The Rollercoaster

I continue to feel like I am on a rollercoaster, except that I didn't ask to get on, I don't know when it will stop, and I feel like I am blindfolded. I can't predict when there is a turn, an upward climb, or a downward spiral. For a while I felt like I was on a plateau, but not now. Everyday I can't even predict what the next hour will hold. Last Saturday I was so sick I spent most of the day in my p.j.'s. I got dressed so I could go for a walk, but then I couldn't even make it to the stopping place where I usually go. I kept feeling weak and nauseous. I kept drinking my water bottle while I walked, but finally I gave up, turned around and went back home. I didn't even feel that defeated. At least I tried to do it. Then when I got back home I went back to bed. What excitement! The next day I felt pretty well. I went to church, even sang in the choir and recited a Bible verse. I had some energy and enjoyed it. The nausea and constant metal taste was tolerable. After church I felt good enough to cook dinner and eat. Then I crashed and slept for a long autumn nap.

Monday, yesterday, was hard emotionally because it was the first time that I noticed that my toes felt a little numb. When I started chemo, I was told that one of my drugs, Taxel, causes nerve damage in one's extemities. The first things that are affected are the fingers and toes. It was disappointing, but I am getting used to the idea. My toes still feel a little numb, but my fingers feel normal. It is weird. It started on my left foot. The big toe and the little toe doesn't seem to be affected, just the middle three. About an hour after I noticed it happening, then the same feeling came over my right foot. I had to speak at the Baptist Women's Day of World Prayer event later that night which meant that I was on my feet for quite a while. I also wore a pair of shoes that proved not to be so smart since they had pointed toes and 1 1/2" heels. It's hard to explain what my toes feel like. They aren't totally numb, I guess it would be more acturate to say they are semi-numb. And during the time I was wearing the shoes, they were simply hurting. So I said all that to say, the rollercoaster continues to take me places I don't expect. There's something new around the bend continually.

Today I had to go to a new doctor because I have some secondary infections which are a result of being on so much medicine. (I will spare you the details and me the embarrassment to explain.) As a result, I had to miss the whole day of school which is the first time this semester that I did that. It was a disappointment to not go to class, but I didn't have the time or the energy to do both. Now I have a lot of new medicine to take in addition to the other I already had. The good news is that I don't seem to have anything too problematic, just aggravating. The other good news is that my taste buds are back to almost normal and things are beginning to taste like they should. That is a simple pleasure that I cannot tell you how much I appreciate these days. Another good thing is that I have finished my fourth round of chemo now, so I will have my week off beginning this Friday. I will only have one drug, the herceptin, which has very few side effects. That means I should feel good for a whole week, hopefully. Even as I write this I have to wonder. Nothing is for sure when you are on the cancer rollercoaster. All I can be sure of is that God will be with me; He knows where I am, where the turns, the upward climbs, and the downward spirals are. He sees it all and He will never leave me or forsake me. He is faithful. I am hanging in there for the full ride. I have always loved rollercoasters, I just have a new perspective on them now.