Independence and dependence

Today is my second year in a row to celebrate the 4^th of July knowing I have cancer. Last year our family met some friends to watch fireworks at the mall. We had such a great time that we decided to repeat it again this year. I have learned that it is important to celebrate and have fun even when one doesn’t feel like celebrating. I believe it is vital to look for the good things and focus on them instead of the bad. I am trying to keep the same thought in mind that I had last year, “In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus.”

I have to admit that some days it is harder than others. Last Saturday I noticed that my hair was falling out again. I thought I was prepared for it, and had even joked about it, but when I got to the mall and was trying on wigs, the emotions just crashed over me like a storm. I sat in the center of the mall (the wig store was a kiosk) where anyone walking by on both levels could see me, and I just put my head down and cried. I didn’t expect it, it just happened. The reality of doing this ugly hair thing all over again just made me sad.

As I sat there looking in the mirror at myself wearing the wig and literally facing the reality of the situation, I was frustrated that I couldn’t find a wig that looked like what I wanted. I was also upset that I had to go through this again. Elizabeth was trying to encourage me by saying that maybe Terry (my hairdresser) could cut the bangs and make it work. As she was saying, “Maybe Terry…” he walked up and touched me. I was in shock. We were in the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, so neither of us was close to home. I was so stunned and yet so grateful to see him! I really wanted his input on this decision. This is an example of the rollercoaster that I have been talking about for the last year. I went from grief to joy in just minutes. I was amazed at how we “just happened” to be at the same mall at the same time. I know it wasn’t a coincidence. We couldn’t have planned the timing of all this so well if we had tried! God was taking care of me. He cares about all our needs. He even cares about the little things. The Bible says that God knows the number of the hairs on our head. Well, I feel like He knew not only the number, but knew how few hairs I would have soon and was taking care of it. I am still amazed at how this all happened. It gives me reassurance that God is fully aware of my every need and has got it all under control. This was another example of how I must focus on the good things and give thanks in all things. I seem to be learning a new level of dependence on God. This is an interesting lesson to learn as we celebrate Independence Day.