Time

I had a CT scan yesterday and learned that the liver tumors haven't decreased or increased much since the last scan taken 6 weeks ago. That was not bad news, but it was different news than what we expected. I am very relieved to hear that the tumors in the right lobe of the liver didn't grow as aggressively as they have in the past, but on the other hand, we (including the doctor) were a little disappointed that the tumors in the left lobe, where the majority of the microspheres were administered, had not shown more response.

So what do I do from here? I continue to choose to rejoice in the good news. I learned that the ulcers were caused because some of the radioactive microspheres traveled to my stomach. But even though the ulcers have caused me no small amount of pain and aggravation, even they are healing. The healing is very slow, but there is progress.

I have learned another lesson out of this. Healing often isn't fast. I know that isn't profound and that everyone knows this, but when one is going though a hard place the time element is one thing that can get frustrating. My niece, Meaghan, has been fighting cancer of the spine for about 4 months now and she is making amazing strides, yet it's been the toughest 4 months of her life. There has been encouraging news on her healing- one of the tumors has disappeared and the other is smaller, yet she struggles everyday just to try to do the simplest things she used to do without thinking. If there was a way that we could instantly fix everything, we would do it in a heartbeat. But I think since there isn't such a thing, the best we can all do during any adversity is to take each day as it comes, make the most of the situation, focus on the progress without dwelling on the setbacks, and thank God for the grace He gives us to just go on one more day.

All this reminds me of a verse from one of my favorite passages from the Bible, the 8th chapter of Romans. Verse 18 states, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." In this verse, the sufferings we experience in this world are not dismissed, but are put in perspective of the eternal reality we can't see yet.

Ups and downs

It's been a while since I made a blog entry, so let me get you caught up with what has been happening. The day after the TV interview I started chemotherapy. One doesn't usually do chemo along with microsphere radiation, but Dan and I were concerned that since the doctor wasn't able inject the microspheres into the right lobe of my liver, then there was a possibility that the cancer in that side might grow so large that it would be a problem. After talking with my oncologist and after he consulted with the radiation oncologist, it was decided that it would be a good idea to start a different course of drugs. I learned that up until now I hadn't had the worst of the nausea producing drugs. This new drug was a killer, but that is the point. I want to kill all those cancer cells, so I endured the sickness as best as I could.

After about 10 days, I began to feel pretty good again, except for the occasional pain in the area where my largest liver tumor is. I had a CT scan and learned that the microspheres were all working exactly as they should and that the tumors in the left lobe of my liver were responding to treatment. Thank God. The doctor told me the pain I was feeling was consistant with where the large tumor was located and that would be normal for me to feel some pain. I figured, "no pain, no gain." No problem.

I guess I figured wrong. Things began to change after a few days unfortunately, and the pain and nausea kept increasing. I kept trying to tough it out, but things were not getting better. It fact it seemed that I was getting worse. This went on for over a week. The day before I was to have my next chemo treatment, I called the doctor and asked if the pain and nausea I was still having was normal.

As a precaution I had an endoscopy the next day instead of the scheduled chemo treatment. I learned that I have a peptic ulcer which is what has been causing the problems. I started on some medicine for that this week and there has been some improvement, but it isn't going to be a quick fix. Ulcers usually take 6 to 8 weeks to heal, but the good news is that it was just an ulcer. They did a biopsy and it was negative! I am very thankful for that.

I continue to look at all this and realize how much I have to be thankful for. In the midst of the pain, nausea, and frustration, I continue to choose to be grateful for the blessings. I am thankful for caring people who support me and cheer me on when I least expect it. They are on the journey with me, even though their journey is different. I realize that all of us are on a journey called life. There are ups and downs everyday, sometimes throughout the day. But the journey is the most pleasant when we focus on the high points, not on the low.

I want to thank each of you who have encouraged me and have given me so many high points on my journey. The emails, phone calls, cards, visits, prayers, and gifts are such a blessing! They lift me up and show God's love and concern shining through you.