Email Post 4
I am doing ok, although I must admit that today reality is setting in more than it did last week. I was attacking the problem, learning about cancer, going through tests such as bone scan, CT scans, chest X-rays and the like to see if there is any other cancer in my body and other proactive activities. This week I am primarily waiting, getting things in order at home, and preparing for the surgery. I think the later is harder mentally.
I sometimes have trouble writing because it forces me to articulate my feelings. Part of me doesn't want to do that because I don't want to recognize what I feel. Does any of this make since? Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I hope you understand if some days I don't write right back. I am doing all I can to keep my heart and mind on track. I am trying to take every thought captive and not let my mind go off the deep end. Usually I am very successful, and most people would tell you I am taking all this so well, but since you are close to my heart I can't pretend with you. I don't want you to get a dismal picture, and I am afraid you might from this email, but please don't. I am trusting this will work out for good. This experience will be used many times over and that I will always be thankful for it. But just because things are good, doesn't mean that they are easy or fun. I remember the day you all left for your new home and M said, "Mommy, I can't do this. It's too hard!" We all looked at her helplessly because we all had our hands full and couldn't help her and then you responded, "Well M, sometimes we have to do hard things." It was so profound. I will never forget it. I have been thinking about that a lot recently. Well, I already feel better. I got some of these things off my chest and I think it was therapeutic.
Well I have to go now. I am going to meet with the school principal about M's class schedule for the fall. I still can't believe he will be a Senior this year. Then I have to talk to my hair dresser about getting a wig and other related things in preparation for the chemo. Then M and I are going school shopping. He is worried that he won't have school clothes in time for the start of school if we don't do it before my surgery next Tues. He is probably right so we are going today. We have to leave soon.
I'll talk to you later,
Love ya lots,
Karen
I sometimes have trouble writing because it forces me to articulate my feelings. Part of me doesn't want to do that because I don't want to recognize what I feel. Does any of this make since? Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I hope you understand if some days I don't write right back. I am doing all I can to keep my heart and mind on track. I am trying to take every thought captive and not let my mind go off the deep end. Usually I am very successful, and most people would tell you I am taking all this so well, but since you are close to my heart I can't pretend with you. I don't want you to get a dismal picture, and I am afraid you might from this email, but please don't. I am trusting this will work out for good. This experience will be used many times over and that I will always be thankful for it. But just because things are good, doesn't mean that they are easy or fun. I remember the day you all left for your new home and M said, "Mommy, I can't do this. It's too hard!" We all looked at her helplessly because we all had our hands full and couldn't help her and then you responded, "Well M, sometimes we have to do hard things." It was so profound. I will never forget it. I have been thinking about that a lot recently. Well, I already feel better. I got some of these things off my chest and I think it was therapeutic.
Well I have to go now. I am going to meet with the school principal about M's class schedule for the fall. I still can't believe he will be a Senior this year. Then I have to talk to my hair dresser about getting a wig and other related things in preparation for the chemo. Then M and I are going school shopping. He is worried that he won't have school clothes in time for the start of school if we don't do it before my surgery next Tues. He is probably right so we are going today. We have to leave soon.
I'll talk to you later,
Love ya lots,
Karen
posted by karen @ 9:25 PM
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