Thanksgiving Vacation

This has been a really great Thanksgiving vacation. My oncologist took the Friday after Thanksgiving off which meant that I got a week off from chemotherapy. It has been so great to have a week off from feeling sick.

I made Thanksgiving dinner and all six of us were gathered together for the day. We talked about things we were thankful for and it was good to hear from each person in the family telling specific things for which they were thankful. After dinner we played a game together and watched a movie. It was restful, peaceful, and a quiet day. We all had a great time enjoying each other’s company.

Friday evening Dan, our older two kids, and I went to the Picasso and Matisse exhibit at the N.C. Museum of Art. We had a great time viewing the art together and afterwards we had dessert at the restaurant there. It was such delightful time. On Saturday night some of us went to see “American Treasure.” It was a good movie and we had a great time again. What a blessing it is to feel good and enjoy doing things that only a year ago I probably took for granted.

This Wednesday, Dec. 1st, I will be having another CT scan. This is an important test so the doctor can determine how well my body is responding to the chemo.
I’ll let you know what I find out.

The Sunrise

Last weekend I went to the beach for a retreat. I have been going to this retreat every November for about 12 years. Last year I watched the sunrise and it was spectacular. For a long time I could see the brightness before the sun actually could be seen. The colors of pink and orange appeared stretching across the sky over the vastness of the ocean. It was so beautiful that I have looked forward to seeing it again all year. I woke up early in order to see it, but both mornings there were dark clouds in the way and I couldn’t see the sun. I know the sun came up. The light was evident of that, but I couldn’t tell exactly when the sunrise began or even if there was a sunrise. There were no beautiful colors in the sky.

From my perspective things were different. The clouds were in the way and that was the problem. But I see from God’s perspective nothing had changed. From the earthly point of view, the sun comes up. From the heavenly view point, the sun doesn’t go up or down. The earth circles around the sun as it spins on its axis. The sunrise from the heavenly viewpoint doesn’t change. I thought about this for quite a while in respect to how my life has changed since last year. In one respect, nothing has changed. That is the heavenly viewpoint. From an earthly viewpoint everything has changed. Lots of very thick dark clouds have appeared, so thick that I can’t see the sun; I even wonder if the sun has come up yet. The clouds are like cancer. They seem to hide the Son; His beauty, radiance and light. But that’s only from an earthly perspective.

I need a heavenly perspective. From a heavenly perspective the Son has not changed. The cancer is just a few dark clouds, no match for the radiance, power, beauty and glory of God. Things do look different this year from my perspective. The time and place of where I am affects my perspective. But if I remember I don’t have a good perspective here on earth to see the big, universal picture, then I must trust the One who does have the right perspective on the big universe. He sees the big picture. He sees me and He sees the clouds. He is even with me; in fact He is in me.

This year driving to the retreat we fought heavy rain that blinded us and blustery cold winds that pushed us when we were walking. But it is just weather. The earth hasn’t moved off its axis, the sun still is giving off its heat and light. Nothing has really changed. It just looks and feels different. Tomorrow will be a new day. It may look even more different, but from God’s viewpoint, the big picture, everything is the same because He is still in control.

People ask me how I am doing. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I am hanging in there. I still feel like I am riding the rollercoaster blindfolded, but I am getting used to it. Am I having fun? Not really, chemo is not fun. It is hard. It’s not impossible, but it is hard. I guess you could say, I am trying to keep the right perspective. I am trying to get God’s perspective on all this. He says to give thanks in all things, so I think of all the things I have to be thankful for. There are many: medical advances in understanding how to fight cancer, the support and love from family and friends, the power of prayer and God’s daily presence and strength and . . . the sunrise. Everyday whether it looks as pretty as a picture or as dark as a storm brewing, either way the sunrise denotes a new day. A new day is something for which I can be truly thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving !

The Rollercoaster

I continue to feel like I am on a rollercoaster, except that I didn't ask to get on, I don't know when it will stop, and I feel like I am blindfolded. I can't predict when there is a turn, an upward climb, or a downward spiral. For a while I felt like I was on a plateau, but not now. Everyday I can't even predict what the next hour will hold. Last Saturday I was so sick I spent most of the day in my p.j.'s. I got dressed so I could go for a walk, but then I couldn't even make it to the stopping place where I usually go. I kept feeling weak and nauseous. I kept drinking my water bottle while I walked, but finally I gave up, turned around and went back home. I didn't even feel that defeated. At least I tried to do it. Then when I got back home I went back to bed. What excitement! The next day I felt pretty well. I went to church, even sang in the choir and recited a Bible verse. I had some energy and enjoyed it. The nausea and constant metal taste was tolerable. After church I felt good enough to cook dinner and eat. Then I crashed and slept for a long autumn nap.

Monday, yesterday, was hard emotionally because it was the first time that I noticed that my toes felt a little numb. When I started chemo, I was told that one of my drugs, Taxel, causes nerve damage in one's extemities. The first things that are affected are the fingers and toes. It was disappointing, but I am getting used to the idea. My toes still feel a little numb, but my fingers feel normal. It is weird. It started on my left foot. The big toe and the little toe doesn't seem to be affected, just the middle three. About an hour after I noticed it happening, then the same feeling came over my right foot. I had to speak at the Baptist Women's Day of World Prayer event later that night which meant that I was on my feet for quite a while. I also wore a pair of shoes that proved not to be so smart since they had pointed toes and 1 1/2" heels. It's hard to explain what my toes feel like. They aren't totally numb, I guess it would be more acturate to say they are semi-numb. And during the time I was wearing the shoes, they were simply hurting. So I said all that to say, the rollercoaster continues to take me places I don't expect. There's something new around the bend continually.

Today I had to go to a new doctor because I have some secondary infections which are a result of being on so much medicine. (I will spare you the details and me the embarrassment to explain.) As a result, I had to miss the whole day of school which is the first time this semester that I did that. It was a disappointment to not go to class, but I didn't have the time or the energy to do both. Now I have a lot of new medicine to take in addition to the other I already had. The good news is that I don't seem to have anything too problematic, just aggravating. The other good news is that my taste buds are back to almost normal and things are beginning to taste like they should. That is a simple pleasure that I cannot tell you how much I appreciate these days. Another good thing is that I have finished my fourth round of chemo now, so I will have my week off beginning this Friday. I will only have one drug, the herceptin, which has very few side effects. That means I should feel good for a whole week, hopefully. Even as I write this I have to wonder. Nothing is for sure when you are on the cancer rollercoaster. All I can be sure of is that God will be with me; He knows where I am, where the turns, the upward climbs, and the downward spirals are. He sees it all and He will never leave me or forsake me. He is faithful. I am hanging in there for the full ride. I have always loved rollercoasters, I just have a new perspective on them now.